Namaste England Review - Nama'stay' The Hell Away!

Earlier today, somebody informed me, that for their party, we would be going for a screening of Namaste England. I shivered, shut my phone off, took five deep breathes and decided - this is it. I am done. Because, no amount of money, death threats or even family members, can force me to sit through Vipul Amritlal Shah’s artpiece that is straight from the deepest crevices of hell for a second time. Yes, this is that kind of a film. Honestly, these are the films that speak to me on a spiritual level. They have potential, to be that so-bad-that-it’s-good type cinema - case in point, Race 3.

But Vipul is hellbent on bludgeoning the senses of every single person that watches this godawful excuse of a film. There is not one redeeming quality or one good factor. Actually, there’s one. The only chuckle-worthy gag, involves a girl named Mishri and her hundred-or-so ‘pretend’ grooms. But this is done in the first 20 minutes. I was tired in the next ten. Little did my poor heart know that there were hours to go, during which Param (Arjun Kapoor) and Jasmeet (Parineeti Chopra) would run around London like headless chickens, marrying whoever their heart pleases, and completely destructing the idea of polygamy as we know it.

And it’s not helpful that the undertones of the film are slightly regressive. Ironic, because co-writer Ritesh Shah is also the name behind two feminist anthems - Sujoy Ghosh’s Kahaani (2012) and Aniruddha Roy Chowdhary’s Pink (2016). Let alone a social conscience, those films had taut screenplays and control over their narrative - perhaps because their helmers did not have films with the likes of Action Replayy, London Dreams, and this film’s spiritual predeccesor, Namastey London under their belts.

This is a hackneyed attempt at a love story that is bereft of any logic, or a semblance of anything resembling a plot to help its case. It’s just 2 hours and 20 minutes of complete hammy drivel, where these actors display a very limited range of emotions. It doesn’t help that Arjun and Parineeti lack charisma. Parineeti shines in the first half as a meet-cutesy girl shackled by the patriarchy. But the film and her character track are so overdrawn and clunky, that after a point, her acting ceases to matter entirely. There’s also Arjun Kapoor, who has delivered slump after slump.

In the last year, having delivered Half Girlfriend and Mubarakan, Arjun continues his streak, overpopulating his impressive filmography with tripe such as this. The story is characteristically childish and foolish. Jasmeet (Chopra) has only one goal in life - to marry someone that will allow her to work after marriage and finally rid her of the archiac hangover that her grandfather and virji (who have a combined total of 15 lines) have. She wants to move to London to truly be free of her patriarch. After finding her perfect match, Param (Kapoor), a conflict leads to him not being able to leave the country. So, Jasmeet hatches scheme after scheme so she can move to London, coming off as a tad bit selfish and unlikable. Parineeti is sweet enough, but her character’s moral compass is so off, that Jasmeet comes off as vile.

The only redemption here is some of Mannan Shah’s music. Bhare Bazaar and Proper Patola do make an impact, but both of them are so far into the film, you’ll have lost all in interest by then. Also, be warned. Namaste England isn’t a comedy or a drama. Actually it is for a point. It’s tonality is erratic. At one point, it becomes a border thriller when bullets are shot. Then, it’s a morgue story of an old illegal immigrant who choked to death while holding his breath. Then, there’s also an India-Pakistan bonding angle, where two unlawful men chuckle at their own felonies, the borders having dissipated. Then, in the end, it becomes a rousing patriotic drama, when Arjun Kapoor schools a British-Indian on having pride for his own nation.

All of this takes place in the span of roughly two hours and twenty minutes, after which you’re just genuinely done. I’m sure Arjun can do much better. But, the writers make Param unbelievable. Despite all of Jasmeet’s deceptions, he is still faithful to a fault. Parineeti isn’t much better. She’s hobbled with a lame persona. Props to her for choosing a flawed character to act out, but Jasmeet is too irrational to care for, so much so that not even Parineeti can save her. There’s also Aditya Seal playing Sam and Dijana Dejanovic playing Alisha. These two make the story even more ridiculous. Their romantic entanglements link them to this lot. But, the film just doesn't click. Namaste England is a futile exercise in absurdity. I'm sad to say this, but Arjun's last awful film, Half Girlfriend would give this one a run for its money. I rarely do what I’m about to do. Even the worst film of our times, Satyameva Jayate, had a more coherent narrative than this. Namaste England is just two and a half hours of a sledgehammer to the senses. Its story is so nonsensical that it might as well never have been made. I don’t like giving a film 0 stars, because then it just becomes the gold standard of terrible cinema.

But, some films are beyond ratings and redemption. This is one of them.